5 Qualities That Should Be Allowed On Your CV

The time of the year when you update your CVs have arrived. So here are some qualities which you have brushed every vacation but which will never be allowed to be entered on your CV. (Spoof and Humor

  1. . I am Nice

    Crushes are like “leather jackets”. Everyone has it, be it from “Pallika Bazar” or Zara it doesn’t matter.

    2 laws are always constant.

    • Energy can neither be created nor destroyed but can be transformed from one form to the other. ( Avogadro)
    • Crushes will reject you(includes friendzoning) by saying, “You are such a nice person” (Heart Broken Avagadro).

     

    So, if you are ugly and still single. You must be “a nice” person.

     

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  2. Never at Fault

    People say they break up mutual. The one getting dumped has to listen to the infamous line, “It’s not you, it’s me”.

    So this accreditation should be allowed for people who have earned it through beautiful disparity.

    “A faultless guy is an asset for a company”

    -Actor Barun

    Pros – If the company makes a faulty product which explodes. The customers would respond, “Its not you, its me who is doing it wrong”. Crisis communication solved, don’t have to pay those PRs.

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    Mujhe Bhagwan Ne Bheja Hai

     
  3. . Rolling

    In the rapid age of automation we are getting mechanized everywhere. The only art that saves humankind is the art of rolling passed down through generations.

    “If I had to choose between a bulky-curled-whey protein-cum-steroid lover-gym freak and a receding hairline black suited corporate sold out with student loans in bank, I would always prefer a skinny guy who can roll good joints”.

    -Anonymous Girl Confessions of Amsterdam

    Pros – A good roller would keep everyone happy(literally) in the immediate environment of the company which checks the internal communication required in a company.

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  4. Micro Management 

If you are the guy who buys the disposal glasses, runs to the wine shop because it’s going to be 10 PM (for Gujarat and Bihar – read milk shops) and cooks dinner getting high. You are already doing better than a diploma degree in skill development from IIP(A)M.

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5. Multi-tasking

Not everyone can upload snaps on Snapchat, stories for Instagram, memes for Facebook and extra filtered photo on Instagram just to prove that you have a life. It takes real effort, wifi and Jio simcards (sim1 only).

Pros – In a world of convergence a multi-tasker would innovate new ideas like why doesn’t the Steering wheel of cars have cameras to Snapchat roads while a Punjabi song is getting played.

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NOTE – The post doesn’t facilitate smoking. The scoops are intended only for humor. Cheers.

 

Many Like YOU

 

Narrator 1: Bad Cop

Results out. The presentation ceremony follows. The excellence demonstrated much publicized and hyped. The media is here. They don’t want you just like Her. They want your best friend.  (Trust the voice. I have distanced both the narrators from me)

Results matter. It requires a lot of consistency to do well; the pressure is immense. When your Mom’s second cousin  came to visit before the traditional 1st English exam to gift a Parker Pen you understood. Now it is too late. This reading is not for the success stories of the exam. It is for those results equivalent to a ½ kg of ‘Mithai’ Party, a big 2 litre Coca Cola bottle and “Don’t worry. Life doesn’t end here. Be better in whatever you study next. At least you are no addict” -a drunk pep talk from the father (kind of students). Your friends thanked their teachers and family on social platforms while you lament and contemplate about bunked classes. Your reputation doesn’t threaten the school nor does it make them proud. You don’t even make it to the statistics. Your ugly passport size photo is nowhere in the Hoardings. There are many like YOU.

Threat: The literal failure who prohibits the school to flash their 100% pass record.

Be afraid and purchase the greatest product in the commodification of Education or the utopian ideology of pure studies. The binary has been born. One requires huge bulk of money; the latter needs a lot of hard work and extremist ways.

Commodification of Education: Lame instances include brokering for other students for an added discount.

You are in dilemma. This creates a denial from the reality. Some say they were not made for “science or commerce”. Some say they would drop out. Some say “life is shit”. Some even avoid going to the school felicitation ceremony; they are too tired to clap anymore. Too loaded are their files and folders with participation certificates. They are too bored of listening to “I told you sos” from teachers whose Internet History revolves around Jobs Searches for higher mobility.

The crisis will only increase as you encounter the results of entrances and further college rejections. The moment of truth comes when you have to buy your degree from an Institution or settle at a less reputed public college where people click selfies with cheap androids. You can use your Dad Money to buy your seat somewhere outside and feel secure. But then those childhood dreams about being a doctor, a bureaucrat, a pilot ends. You will be confused. There are many like YOU.

Different instances will follow course, all much alike. You will feel the carpediem jingo and follow your heart cliche – You would lose hope – You would buy your way to a degree – You would drop out. Decisions centered on an ugly truth – “You are not good enough”. What follows in a 3-4 year timeline is the same recurred events with further acquired habits. Why do they call it timeline when it is clearly a circle? The choice you made as an escapist and the black past crawls back again. This time the line is thin and less doors to knock. You convinced your parents again. Emotional fools understand. The hardest part is to convince you. Crap Diem it is, they never say. Crap Diem, it always will be. There are many like YOU………

Narrator2: Good Cop

So what is left for you then? The escapist mediocrity or a salvation. May be neither. So what’s next? Where to look?

I don’t know the solution. The voice has something relevant to tell.  Never base your decisions on past experiences. The future may be different. The tag of mediocre or prolific is irrelevant in terms of future. If someone makes you feel – you are not good enough – they are probably right. They point out your past in their narrow judgement by following the same mistake. They consider the past. The future is always different.

You can appear for CAT and clear the MBA, get a good job and buy a sedan.  There is always the  UPSC and the train to Delhi. If you dare enough. Go for it and bring a badddass honor to your family. Learn a foreign language. If you are skinny/fat and look average, you can even do stand up sketches. The ocean is ahead of you. The tide will get low eventually. Till now it had been a cheap public bus ride for you. On a bird eye view, passport sized celebrities are common these days. Success density has reduced exclusivity.  It is the time to make the assessment which will give you the highest freedom out of all the choices bestowed.  If all fails, maintain a healthy social media appeal. People will dig your life. One little baby step every second. There are many like US.

But for now, go clap for your best friend.

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iHappiness

 

In the ‘Srimad Bhagavatam’ it has been said, advancement in the modern age transcends into material progression and not spiritual development. We have evolved a lot substantially, we still lack to see the basic fundamentals and the simple truth.  A guy hits the gym every day to boast his physical body but does he read or converse to enhance his mental self. The question is, why have we become so materialistic? The answer is not direct and unequivocal. It can be account to the simple fact that materials have no expectations. A bachelor works all day in the office returns home to “Netflix and Chill” and finds solace. The best thing about materials is they are never jealous. You love your laptop which has an i5 Processor but that doesn’t mean you can’t cheat with another higher configured device. What’s cheating when everything is a phase? Materials are not like Scorpios, they don’t ask you 10 questions just for reassurances. You have fun with them and you keep them aside. Charge them with your electricity(love) and they are good to go. The best is they come with a warranty unlike human beings. You connect socially better through the medium as you have ample time to communicate at your own pace. Yes, The Introverted people can also find common ground here. There are times when we skip big “get togethers” just to lie down in our bed cozy and comfortably with our gadgets. Technological peace is the closest enlightenment we get in this moribund life.

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There is no bigger picture; it is human to be materialistic. I have not seen eternal bliss; the glow on their faces as they smiled out from a shopping mall with hands full of bags has been the closest. No matter how pathetic life may seem to be, we spend the most amount of time with a Laptop and the phone than with real entities. I am not ashamed to replace them when I save enough for the new model. When Love ends the heart pains, when your iphone breaks there is always accidental damage warranty. However, always respect the motherboard.

 

THE WATCHDOGS OF ASSAM – MEDIA GOONS

The day was Saraswati Puja, the neo Valentine Celebrations of the State. After a long day of festivities, fun and frolic we return back to our home. The first thing we do is check the ‘News Channels’ coverage of the entire day of events. Mostly we check out the “Dhunia Suali Protijugita”, (Pretty Girls Competition) a jury of local celebrity are made to judge. So what is this competition all about? It is a show where the cameras are rotated to the beautiful girls and their jewelry. When women objectify women, where we all seem to take delight in it and it is accepted throughout the state. The news channel covers not only the popular institutional setups of the city but throughout the entire region. Such is the range. It is acceptable as the girls sport traditional attire and the utopia of the Goddess is achieved. However, begins the inception of a bigger plot. This gives the goons of the media the power that they are allowed to shoot the privacy of people. Women have always been portrayed as either a Goddess or a Witch. So just another day in the city the goons prepare for a show to show us the flipped side. “Women in shorts have lost their culture” and with a great analogy to the monkeys.

How can we translate that headline?

How can we translate that headline?

The real problem is the breach of privacy which we have helped them to establish. If they can make a story out of a good dress brought from an ‘Auntys Store’ or ‘Silkalay’, coupled with good hair day (courtesy parlor) than expect them to make a story out of your casual attire. You go out to buy vegetables and the next thing you do is make headlines. Bamm!!

Spiderman vs Heman

Spiderman vs Heman

With regards to the great quality of Journalism which we are bestowed along with the moral policing, those goons should look for answers in their own home. To those people who take delight in such stories, get a life or take your wife out for dinner and assuming your pseudo traditional state of mind, I suggest “Khorika” or “Paradise”. There are better things to do, even for a lowlife.

7 Different People You Encounter on a Train Journey

We have the largest network of Railways in the world but this is not what it looks like. The ticket situation is so bad that even Daft Punk are not Lucky enough to get one. But instead of being a cry-baby lets us re visit the train journey.

PS- Do share if you ever encountered one of them punks.

1. THE ANNOYING RETIRED VETERAN

The annoying retired uncle is the ultimate fun spoiler but a firm believer of the system. (Anyone who gets a reservation believes in the system). He begins by having dinner at 8 and announces good night by 10. If you had plans for a late night card game or even the ginger , throw the idea out on the dirty tracks.(Well not literally as you can’t open them in the Rajdhanis). The worst part (if you are on the middle berth) is the Retired Guy getting up at 5 and asking you to put down your bedding because he is finding it difficult to do ‘Anulom Bhilom’ pranayam. The next thing we hear is a Patanjali Express coming..!!!

WHaatt??

ref - Denethor LOTR Dialogue

ref – Denethor LOTR Dialogue

2. THE BABY

Since Railways made the rule about forbidding the use of Curtains on 3 Tier, the hungry infants and the Lactating Blessed Moms are finding it very difficult. The babies keep crying to support their campaign against the railways  for a curtain maybe. But the best part is no TOILET issue. What a win.

BABY

3. THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL UPPER BERTH

This cannot be a coincidence about beautiful girls and the upper berth connection. They usually hive on the upper berth, eat, do some Lappy’ing and would use the toilet once making the entire berth  known while she ramp walks to the toilet. Much like in the Cannes Festival.

Turn off – I just imagined Aishwarya Rai with Abhishek Bachchan in Cannes.

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4. The WAIT-LISTED GUY

This guy would spy on to every possible seat available in the compartment. They wear an invisibility cloak of friendliness to patronize people and try to stay out of sight from the TT as compared to the RAC guy who hates his berth sharing partner and bribes the TT to get a seat before the opponent does. Let us begin the Train Games.

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5. THE SKEPTICAL MOTHER

The most nervous person will always be a mother travelling with her kids going to her husband’s place. She becomes dubious of everyone and pitches that ‘Mother India’ looks if anybody tries to talk with her kids. She stays whole night awake and keeps an Eagle eye on every passerby. The only positive thing is that your luggage is safe (if you travel in the same compartment).

Here is what they say when you give the extra eclairs to a little kid with a weirdo smile.

So much for a Thank You Uncle. 😦

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6. THE VENDORS

(i) Well, if you are travelling in a normal sleeper get ready for some real market action. From Chinese Testers to Handicams they can sell you anything(and he is not an MBA from IIPM) and we are compelled to buy stuffs which we would never use in our life. For example the set of Japanese fans you thought would be useful when there will no electricity.

(ii) For people travelling by AC 3/2 tier they don’t encounter such vendors but have to face the lazy workers who serve stale food at an extremely slow pace and demand tips as if it is their birth right.

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7. THE JUSTIFICATION GUY

This guy would lament about the pathetic condition of Railways and would mock the entire system. He would give reasons for travelling in Train as he has missed his flight or the tickets were not available. In reality, he could not afford the exorbitant price of the Airlines and preferred the Last Resort over The Quality Resort. TYPICAL INDIAN. CHEAP YET CLASSY.

And we are like

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NOTE – A great man once said, “God cannot be everywhere and so he made Indian Railways. 

LIED

5 Recurring Things Every Assamese Does in Delhi

1. ASSAMESE FEST

Almost every Assamese/NE organization has its own fest.  Herein you learn the sole reason; when you stay in Delhi you have got to socialize with your people. The entire point of all this ‘ayujan’ has different objectives. For the girls it’s time to open their trunks full of Assamese material they brought from home and for the guys it’s a new place to do the party. Last but not the least, Ramjas Assamese Meet. Enough Said.
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2. BIHU

Same genre as the fest but this one is on the larger scale. Assam is primarily dived as Upper and Lower. Both the parties celebrate Bihu but the people from ‘Ujoni’ are too pumped up for such regional occasions taking them to the next level. Level = Junbai 3D. They would even hire rented cars just to watch ‘Bihu’ in Gurgaon. Such Josh Much Akhmoiya.

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3. NIGHTCRAWLERS

When you first arrive in the city, we all become this nocturnal beings night crawling and exploring all the places. Be it Kamla Nagar Ridge, Greater Kailash, India Gate or if you dare, you know which road to go. Piece of advice, stay away from the Highways.

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4. TEA POINT

The most pointless place is the Tea Point. Ironic eh? Where people literally sit, sip and smoke for hours. This is not only the scenario near the Campus side but many places in South/West Delhi have the same custom. Thus, where there is a will there is a way and where there is an Assamese Residency there is a Tea Point.

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5. KASOL-MANALI NIRVANA

If you haven’t travelled Himachal and witnessed the Himalayas, what’s the point then? Many go to the Himalayas to escape the moribund Delhi life and enter the High Life. Nobody gives a shit to that Shiv Mandir(source Subramanyam Swami) near Delhi, the so called 7th wonder or something.

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NOTE: It may seem from this exaggerated post that all we do is ‘anything but meaningful’ work, but I beg to disagree because we also do some important stuff like ‘Pseudo-Netagiri’, ‘Fest Volunteers/Organisers’ and ‘Healthy Flirting’.

*Wrote in good humour, no abuse please*