5 Qualities That Should Be Allowed On Your CV

The time of the year when you update your CVs have arrived. So here are some qualities which you have brushed every vacation but which will never be allowed to be entered on your CV. (Spoof and Humor

  1. . I am Nice

    Crushes are like “leather jackets”. Everyone has it, be it from “Pallika Bazar” or Zara it doesn’t matter.

    2 laws are always constant.

    • Energy can neither be created nor destroyed but can be transformed from one form to the other. ( Avogadro)
    • Crushes will reject you(includes friendzoning) by saying, “You are such a nice person” (Heart Broken Avagadro).

     

    So, if you are ugly and still single. You must be “a nice” person.

     

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  2. Never at Fault

    People say they break up mutual. The one getting dumped has to listen to the infamous line, “It’s not you, it’s me”.

    So this accreditation should be allowed for people who have earned it through beautiful disparity.

    “A faultless guy is an asset for a company”

    -Actor Barun

    Pros – If the company makes a faulty product which explodes. The customers would respond, “Its not you, its me who is doing it wrong”. Crisis communication solved, don’t have to pay those PRs.

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    Mujhe Bhagwan Ne Bheja Hai

     
  3. . Rolling

    In the rapid age of automation we are getting mechanized everywhere. The only art that saves humankind is the art of rolling passed down through generations.

    “If I had to choose between a bulky-curled-whey protein-cum-steroid lover-gym freak and a receding hairline black suited corporate sold out with student loans in bank, I would always prefer a skinny guy who can roll good joints”.

    -Anonymous Girl Confessions of Amsterdam

    Pros – A good roller would keep everyone happy(literally) in the immediate environment of the company which checks the internal communication required in a company.

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  4. Micro Management 

If you are the guy who buys the disposal glasses, runs to the wine shop because it’s going to be 10 PM (for Gujarat and Bihar – read milk shops) and cooks dinner getting high. You are already doing better than a diploma degree in skill development from IIP(A)M.

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5. Multi-tasking

Not everyone can upload snaps on Snapchat, stories for Instagram, memes for Facebook and extra filtered photo on Instagram just to prove that you have a life. It takes real effort, wifi and Jio simcards (sim1 only).

Pros – In a world of convergence a multi-tasker would innovate new ideas like why doesn’t the Steering wheel of cars have cameras to Snapchat roads while a Punjabi song is getting played.

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NOTE – The post doesn’t facilitate smoking. The scoops are intended only for humor. Cheers.

 

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Narrator 1: Bad Cop

Results out. The presentation ceremony follows. The excellence demonstrated much publicized and hyped. The media is here. They don’t want you just like Her. They want your best friend.  (Trust the voice. I have distanced both the narrators from me)

Results matter. It requires a lot of consistency to do well; the pressure is immense. When your Mom’s second cousin  came to visit before the traditional 1st English exam to gift a Parker Pen you understood. Now it is too late. This reading is not for the success stories of the exam. It is for those results equivalent to a ½ kg of ‘Mithai’ Party, a big 2 litre Coca Cola bottle and “Don’t worry. Life doesn’t end here. Be better in whatever you study next. At least you are no addict” -a drunk pep talk from the father (kind of students). Your friends thanked their teachers and family on social platforms while you lament and contemplate about bunked classes. Your reputation doesn’t threaten the school nor does it make them proud. You don’t even make it to the statistics. Your ugly passport size photo is nowhere in the Hoardings. There are many like YOU.

Threat: The literal failure who prohibits the school to flash their 100% pass record.

Be afraid and purchase the greatest product in the commodification of Education or the utopian ideology of pure studies. The binary has been born. One requires huge bulk of money; the latter needs a lot of hard work and extremist ways.

Commodification of Education: Lame instances include brokering for other students for an added discount.

You are in dilemma. This creates a denial from the reality. Some say they were not made for “science or commerce”. Some say they would drop out. Some say “life is shit”. Some even avoid going to the school felicitation ceremony; they are too tired to clap anymore. Too loaded are their files and folders with participation certificates. They are too bored of listening to “I told you sos” from teachers whose Internet History revolves around Jobs Searches for higher mobility.

The crisis will only increase as you encounter the results of entrances and further college rejections. The moment of truth comes when you have to buy your degree from an Institution or settle at a less reputed public college where people click selfies with cheap androids. You can use your Dad Money to buy your seat somewhere outside and feel secure. But then those childhood dreams about being a doctor, a bureaucrat, a pilot ends. You will be confused. There are many like YOU.

Different instances will follow course, all much alike. You will feel the carpediem jingo and follow your heart cliche – You would lose hope – You would buy your way to a degree – You would drop out. Decisions centered on an ugly truth – “You are not good enough”. What follows in a 3-4 year timeline is the same recurred events with further acquired habits. Why do they call it timeline when it is clearly a circle? The choice you made as an escapist and the black past crawls back again. This time the line is thin and less doors to knock. You convinced your parents again. Emotional fools understand. The hardest part is to convince you. Crap Diem it is, they never say. Crap Diem, it always will be. There are many like YOU………

Narrator2: Good Cop

So what is left for you then? The escapist mediocrity or a salvation. May be neither. So what’s next? Where to look?

I don’t know the solution. The voice has something relevant to tell.  Never base your decisions on past experiences. The future may be different. The tag of mediocre or prolific is irrelevant in terms of future. If someone makes you feel – you are not good enough – they are probably right. They point out your past in their narrow judgement by following the same mistake. They consider the past. The future is always different.

You can appear for CAT and clear the MBA, get a good job and buy a sedan.  There is always the  UPSC and the train to Delhi. If you dare enough. Go for it and bring a badddass honor to your family. Learn a foreign language. If you are skinny/fat and look average, you can even do stand up sketches. The ocean is ahead of you. The tide will get low eventually. Till now it had been a cheap public bus ride for you. On a bird eye view, passport sized celebrities are common these days. Success density has reduced exclusivity.  It is the time to make the assessment which will give you the highest freedom out of all the choices bestowed.  If all fails, maintain a healthy social media appeal. People will dig your life. One little baby step every second. There are many like US.

But for now, go clap for your best friend.

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I Am The Hyphen

I am a lazy idealist. I have not always been one. Opinions are not absolute science. There are flaws and logic behind them. Not as awesome for a person who differs with you. But there are people who don’t have an opinion. The people who read the pros-cons and believes in the hyphen. We suffer a lot. We avoid the public bashing. We avoid this bullying. Hence we become this lazy idealist.

The current order in the world has been “Either you are with us or you are not”. What if I am with no one. None of you can guarantee. I just want to know the truth and cure this insomnia. The truth which they feed us and the real truth has a fiscal deficit of 100%. This debt creates this insomnia. Every night I sleep clear but the next morning ridicules and clouds my yesterday. Thus, I have taken my refuge to music and readings. These are my past times; they don’t change my life though. I fear people who read an opinion or some “isms” and they get hulk over in their utopia. They try to break the order and establish a new order which just piles up  more human dirt. I have finally learnt to use a mask to protect me from the dirt because whatever order you may establish, the dirt is the same.

People like us are also called mediocre. I take that as a compliment as we are not an extremist. We don’t strive for great nor the ungreat. Sorry I don’t know the counterpart of great. We don’t make it to the news; agendas are not made for us because us mediocre don’t even vote.  We are not even counted in their targets. What I like is that I am not confined. I can amazed the world or carry this jute bag to the market and buy some fish for lunch. I have realized something which gives me such contentment even my first kiss, my first blunt, my first anything couldn’t. I AM THE HYPHEN.

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In the ‘Srimad Bhagavatam’ it has been said, advancement in the modern age transcends into material progression and not spiritual development. We have evolved a lot substantially, we still lack to see the basic fundamentals and the simple truth.  A guy hits the gym every day to boast his physical body but does he read or converse to enhance his mental self. The question is, why have we become so materialistic? The answer is not direct and unequivocal. It can be account to the simple fact that materials have no expectations. A bachelor works all day in the office returns home to “Netflix and Chill” and finds solace. The best thing about materials is they are never jealous. You love your laptop which has an i5 Processor but that doesn’t mean you can’t cheat with another higher configured device. What’s cheating when everything is a phase? Materials are not like Scorpios, they don’t ask you 10 questions just for reassurances. You have fun with them and you keep them aside. Charge them with your electricity(love) and they are good to go. The best is they come with a warranty unlike human beings. You connect socially better through the medium as you have ample time to communicate at your own pace. Yes, The Introverted people can also find common ground here. There are times when we skip big “get togethers” just to lie down in our bed cozy and comfortably with our gadgets. Technological peace is the closest enlightenment we get in this moribund life.

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There is no bigger picture; it is human to be materialistic. I have not seen eternal bliss; the glow on their faces as they smiled out from a shopping mall with hands full of bags has been the closest. No matter how pathetic life may seem to be, we spend the most amount of time with a Laptop and the phone than with real entities. I am not ashamed to replace them when I save enough for the new model. When Love ends the heart pains, when your iphone breaks there is always accidental damage warranty. However, always respect the motherboard.

 

6 Women Who Got Friend Zoned…(Fictional)

Well, one of my Blog was about 6 Men Who Got Friend Zoned (Link – https://nibirdeka.wordpress.com/2014/06/15/6-men-who-got-friend-zoned-fictional). Now why should ‘Girls have all the fun’? The revenge is sweet and karma pays you back. 

1. Black Widow and Captain America

The ‘Marvel-istic’ superhero seems to be the pioneer of Friend Zoning one of the hottest being in the world, Black Widow. The redemption of Manhood towards female monopoly of Friend Zoning innocent males. Thank You Captain America, more than an accidental Superhero.

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2. Hermione and Harry

The Boy who lived Friend Zoned Hermione, by the most famous way of doing it. The BFF way. It all started when he preferred the Chinese girl over her. Well, to Harry the grass is always greener on the other side or maybe her pre-puberty looks still haunts him.

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3. Velma and Shaggy

Shaggy, who looked like a Weed addict dated Velma for a short spam leading to many complications between Scooby Doo. In the end it turned all sour and he decided to remain ‘Just Friends’ (if that word existed), all for his buddy Scooby.  Shaggy made the right call it seems, as for Velma, “Jinkies”.

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4. Bellatrix and Voldemort

There is no way Voldemort, a power obsessed narcissistic soul would ever waste time seducing a woman. However, Bellatrix did saw something in whatever the Tom Riddle left in him. Had there been more, we would have to witnessed something  really gross. Good choice, Tom.

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5. Elizabeth and Bhuvan

Poor Elizabeth had to be a Greg Chappel for Bhuvan, who later preferred the Desi over Firangi. How love can make someone a Vibhisan(for the British Raj) and can end you up in getting Friend Zoned. Communication gap may have played a big role as Elizabeth was really ‘Gauri’(beautiful). Elizabeth, we feel you.

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6. Anjali and Rahul

Well this story provides some necessary comfort to all those who have been friend zoned. You can still end up getting married. Although, you have to do a makeover and be more feminine.

Note:- A bit of treading and upper lip helped in this case.

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(c)nibirdeka

6 Men Who Got Friend Zoned.. (Fictional)

1. Snape and Lily Potter

This is the most tragic (love?) story ever witnessed, but at the end of the day he was Friend Zoned by Lily Potter. Real tragedy is dying for someone who Friend Zoned you. More painful than the ‘Sectumsempra’. Snape, we feel you.

 

 

 

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2. Wolverine and Jean Grey

Wolverine is one of the few Superheroes who got Friend Zoned (by fellow X-Mate Jean Grey).  At any day he could have easily scored a girl but Jean Grey seems to be the only thing that pierces his ego.The great Adamantium is not effective when it comes to immunity from getting FZ’D it seems.

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3. Batman and Rachel

If Marvel has Wolverine, DC has The Batman. The Batman proves that no matter how BIG you do in your life, once Friend Zoned then its eternal. The only consolation was the Cat Women. Thus, for every Rachel rejected there is always a Cat Women.

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4. Peeta and Katniss

Peeta Malark is the Charles Babbage (Father) of the ‘Art of Friend Zoning’. Oh Poor Peeta Malark. The World’s only Friend Zoned husband cum lover. Taking the idea of FZ’ing to a next level. Need to say anything more?  That’s our kind of story.

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5. Sunil and Ana

This is one of the few ‘Desi’ Stories dealing with the ‘Platonic’ issue of Friend-Zoning. What could be morose than being the best man at the wedding of the girl who Friend Zoned you. Our guy Sunil did the impossible and ended up finding a Juhi Chawla. Thus, there is always a silver lining.

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6. Kundan and Zoya

Death is uncertain and when rooted from Friend Zoning it is most unfortunate. The unique thing about the story is the Friend Zoned guy being massacred by the love interest.  There should be a ‘Friend Zoned Rights Association’ to protect poor souls like Kundan. Why this Dhokadari?

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©nibirdeka