THE WATCHDOGS OF ASSAM – MEDIA GOONS

The day was Saraswati Puja, the neo Valentine Celebrations of the State. After a long day of festivities, fun and frolic we return back to our home. The first thing we do is check the ‘News Channels’ coverage of the entire day of events. Mostly we check out the “Dhunia Suali Protijugita”, (Pretty Girls Competition) a jury of local celebrity are made to judge. So what is this competition all about? It is a show where the cameras are rotated to the beautiful girls and their jewelry. When women objectify women, where we all seem to take delight in it and it is accepted throughout the state. The news channel covers not only the popular institutional setups of the city but throughout the entire region. Such is the range. It is acceptable as the girls sport traditional attire and the utopia of the Goddess is achieved. However, begins the inception of a bigger plot. This gives the goons of the media the power that they are allowed to shoot the privacy of people. Women have always been portrayed as either a Goddess or a Witch. So just another day in the city the goons prepare for a show to show us the flipped side. “Women in shorts have lost their culture” and with a great analogy to the monkeys.

How can we translate that headline?

How can we translate that headline?

The real problem is the breach of privacy which we have helped them to establish. If they can make a story out of a good dress brought from an ‘Auntys Store’ or ‘Silkalay’, coupled with good hair day (courtesy parlor) than expect them to make a story out of your casual attire. You go out to buy vegetables and the next thing you do is make headlines. Bamm!!

Spiderman vs Heman

Spiderman vs Heman

With regards to the great quality of Journalism which we are bestowed along with the moral policing, those goons should look for answers in their own home. To those people who take delight in such stories, get a life or take your wife out for dinner and assuming your pseudo traditional state of mind, I suggest “Khorika” or “Paradise”. There are better things to do, even for a lowlife.

Advertisements

7 Different People You Encounter on a Train Journey

We have the largest network of Railways in the world but this is not what it looks like. The ticket situation is so bad that even Daft Punk are not Lucky enough to get one. But instead of being a cry-baby lets us re visit the train journey.

PS- Do share if you ever encountered one of them punks.

1. THE ANNOYING RETIRED VETERAN

The annoying retired uncle is the ultimate fun spoiler but a firm believer of the system. (Anyone who gets a reservation believes in the system). He begins by having dinner at 8 and announces good night by 10. If you had plans for a late night card game or even the ginger , throw the idea out on the dirty tracks.(Well not literally as you can’t open them in the Rajdhanis). The worst part (if you are on the middle berth) is the Retired Guy getting up at 5 and asking you to put down your bedding because he is finding it difficult to do ‘Anulom Bhilom’ pranayam. The next thing we hear is a Patanjali Express coming..!!!

WHaatt??

ref - Denethor LOTR Dialogue

ref – Denethor LOTR Dialogue

2. THE BABY

Since Railways made the rule about forbidding the use of Curtains on 3 Tier, the hungry infants and the Lactating Blessed Moms are finding it very difficult. The babies keep crying to support their campaign against the railways  for a curtain maybe. But the best part is no TOILET issue. What a win.

BABY

3. THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL UPPER BERTH

This cannot be a coincidence about beautiful girls and the upper berth connection. They usually hive on the upper berth, eat, do some Lappy’ing and would use the toilet once making the entire berth  known while she ramp walks to the toilet. Much like in the Cannes Festival.

Turn off – I just imagined Aishwarya Rai with Abhishek Bachchan in Cannes.

girl

4. The WAIT-LISTED GUY

This guy would spy on to every possible seat available in the compartment. They wear an invisibility cloak of friendliness to patronize people and try to stay out of sight from the TT as compared to the RAC guy who hates his berth sharing partner and bribes the TT to get a seat before the opponent does. Let us begin the Train Games.

jen

5. THE SKEPTICAL MOTHER

The most nervous person will always be a mother travelling with her kids going to her husband’s place. She becomes dubious of everyone and pitches that ‘Mother India’ looks if anybody tries to talk with her kids. She stays whole night awake and keeps an Eagle eye on every passerby. The only positive thing is that your luggage is safe (if you travel in the same compartment).

Here is what they say when you give the extra eclairs to a little kid with a weirdo smile.

So much for a Thank You Uncle. 😦

IMG-20150717-WA0001

6. THE VENDORS

(i) Well, if you are travelling in a normal sleeper get ready for some real market action. From Chinese Testers to Handicams they can sell you anything(and he is not an MBA from IIPM) and we are compelled to buy stuffs which we would never use in our life. For example the set of Japanese fans you thought would be useful when there will no electricity.

(ii) For people travelling by AC 3/2 tier they don’t encounter such vendors but have to face the lazy workers who serve stale food at an extremely slow pace and demand tips as if it is their birth right.

IMG-20150717-WA0000

7. THE JUSTIFICATION GUY

This guy would lament about the pathetic condition of Railways and would mock the entire system. He would give reasons for travelling in Train as he has missed his flight or the tickets were not available. In reality, he could not afford the exorbitant price of the Airlines and preferred the Last Resort over The Quality Resort. TYPICAL INDIAN. CHEAP YET CLASSY.

And we are like

IMG-20150717-WA0002

NOTE – A great man once said, “God cannot be everywhere and so he made Indian Railways. 

LIED

Complex Smoker

Pic taken from Oksana Vetova (facebook)

I am a big time smoker.

But you my love,

Why do you smoke?

Is it possessiveness?

or the need to grow up.

My mind deviates;

You sleeping with other guys

I know it’s kind of sad.

I trust you, not the smoke.

When you disappear

For the night sometimes.

You go out to the world,

It’s whore lotta trouble.

For you are like the smoke.

I am a male centred

I want freedom

Yet you stay with me close

When I am there to love,

Why do you smoke?

Utopia of The Spotted Mind

(c)google

(c)google

This life, one life. So chaotic? Yes it is not perfect, fuck perfection. Fuck what people think for a while. Just meditate. Not the kind where you pose and pretend not to be asleep. Meditate in your own way. Listen to a song or masturbate; anything that lets you escape the world for sometime. Since precede this silence, this singleness, a Boss would bang your door and break your peace. Till then, it’s all about you. You were there.

Is it justifiable to escape? I say it is. Because the world is ugly, you can’t choose contentment, you have to snatch it. Make it quick, the Boss comes real fast. Hse will bang your door hard, hse will make you feel guilty, and hse will make you so weak that you would cry. You can never change the Boss but you can still save yourself. Run, run away kid. Family, society and relationships? What do they give you? Love runs out faster than any other fuel. We are surrounded by selfish creatures and are manipulated through agendas. Maybe the Boss is right, it is useless to dream. It is right to be afraid, it is right to be unhappy and lament about life. Either be an escapist, dare to book a ticket to the Himalayas and stop eking through mortality. OR succumb to that old Boss and the new Boss who will continue the legacy. Sojourn this pretense, “he who says Carpe Diem and comes back home with a jute bag filled with vegetables and disappointment”. You are worse. The Boss is not the problem, your impotency is. For once be clear of these double standards. Stop saying you want space, independence, freedom and all those French movement ideals. You have watched enough movies and read ample novels. Fiction is always unreal and sliced to perfection. You are not perfect and your want for utopia is as silly as the wish to woo that crush of yours. Grow up.

As for me,

Unintentionally, I have found my silver lining and now I am armistice. To have finally seen the world after my intense travels and musings. On occasions I live with the Bosses. Paradoxical much, I do what I want against all obligations.  I have finally seen the Light. Ah, to write is to dream.

Bang!! Wait, wait, wait I hear the

5 Recurring Things Every Assamese Does in Delhi

1. ASSAMESE FEST

Almost every Assamese/NE organization has its own fest.  Herein you learn the sole reason; when you stay in Delhi you have got to socialize with your people. The entire point of all this ‘ayujan’ has different objectives. For the girls it’s time to open their trunks full of Assamese material they brought from home and for the guys it’s a new place to do the party. Last but not the least, Ramjas Assamese Meet. Enough Said.
image

2. BIHU

Same genre as the fest but this one is on the larger scale. Assam is primarily dived as Upper and Lower. Both the parties celebrate Bihu but the people from ‘Ujoni’ are too pumped up for such regional occasions taking them to the next level. Level = Junbai 3D. They would even hire rented cars just to watch ‘Bihu’ in Gurgaon. Such Josh Much Akhmoiya.

Bad_Luck_Brian[1]

3. NIGHTCRAWLERS

When you first arrive in the city, we all become this nocturnal beings night crawling and exploring all the places. Be it Kamla Nagar Ridge, Greater Kailash, India Gate or if you dare, you know which road to go. Piece of advice, stay away from the Highways.

Overly_Attached_Girlfriend[1]

4. TEA POINT

The most pointless place is the Tea Point. Ironic eh? Where people literally sit, sip and smoke for hours. This is not only the scenario near the Campus side but many places in South/West Delhi have the same custom. Thus, where there is a will there is a way and where there is an Assamese Residency there is a Tea Point.

I_Have_a_Dream[1]

5. KASOL-MANALI NIRVANA

If you haven’t travelled Himachal and witnessed the Himalayas, what’s the point then? Many go to the Himalayas to escape the moribund Delhi life and enter the High Life. Nobody gives a shit to that Shiv Mandir(source Subramanyam Swami) near Delhi, the so called 7th wonder or something.

Look_At_All_Th[1]

NOTE: It may seem from this exaggerated post that all we do is ‘anything but meaningful’ work, but I beg to disagree because we also do some important stuff like ‘Pseudo-Netagiri’, ‘Fest Volunteers/Organisers’ and ‘Healthy Flirting’.

*Wrote in good humour, no abuse please* 

He Woke Up For school

10849837_757853584295976_7530745935120541234_n

“I shall rise and shine”,
And he never came back.
Who was he?
What religion did he belong?
A student in the morning,
And a dead man by night.

“Take me home, they will
kill me”. He cried.
The crime was simple,
He woke up for school.
The lust for Nobel Peace Prize
Probably got him to dare.

More terrorist less teachers,
More bombers less students.
The fools who dream, and
The parents are reminded;
The Jihad of them Mujahid
Was “to make them feel the pain”..

Wanted Engineer Bride

It was in the year 1980 when Mohun Borah, aged 77 a widower supported by PWD pension and a son name Ramanuj. Ramanuj is a Government Officer who lived with his father in their Assam Type house in Kumarpara, near Bharalumukh(Assam). Mohun Borah was a spiritual man with a lot of superstition. (Just like ‘U’ follows a ‘Q’, ‘spirituality’ precedes ‘superstition’.) He never dreamt big in his life, (we can take that into account for anyone who has worked in PWD) his last wish before he encountered the Almighty was to see his son Ramanuj getting married to an ideal girl. Well, there are many definitions of an ideal girl but for the Indian Society it is limited to a woman who can cook real well and is stereotypically House Wife material. Ramanuj never insisted to get married nor had he shown any urgency in spite of the fact he had crossed the 30 age mark. Risky it seems, back then there was no Ponds Age Miracle cream. It was natural for a family without a woman. Who else but your mom can push you into something like getting married? After his normal dull office work, Ramanuj would go for his regular adda(chatting) at Nayantara Club( A club which organises Durga Puja Celebrations in Guwahati) where he was an active member of the Puja committee.  As days passed, Mohun became increasingly worried.
Incidently, Mohun had got the news that their family guru Prasanta Deu(Pujari) is taking his last breath and has summoned him to his native village, Sualkuchi. So he took the next day morning bus to his ancestral village as he was under a long family obligation to that person. It seemed that Deu was postponing his Calling just to meet Mohun once and for all. He holds Mohun by his hands lying on bed and spoke those words before he died that changed Mohun and his son’s life forever. “This is my prediction. If Ramanuj marries a girl who has Biswakarma and Goddess Lakshmi’s sparkha(highlights). They will be the happiest couple(happier than Sarkozy and Carla Bruni) and will build castles in air. You can expect to be the father of a great man”. Prashanta Deu died leaving old Mohun at a condition where he had no clue what to do next. It was very difficult for Mohun to ignore the last spoken words due to a family tradition that happened a long time back……
It was Mohun’s father a poor weaver in the village. He was out of luck and out of bread. Business was not good. Then, he met a Deu who was Prashanta Deu’s grandfather, near the temple and  without looking at his hands predicted that if he marries a girl by Bohag(Spring) his fortunes are sure to change. He got married and within a year he had his own weaving shop.
Although, it seemed a foolish coincidence but it has happened again and this time to his son Ramanuj. Mohun wondered as to why he was exempt from all predictions? Maybe mediocre people are not destined for prophecies. Mohun could not solve the riddle that occupied his brain for many days. Finally he let out the prophecy to his best friend and companion at the local Naam Ghar(Temple), Pranjal Buragohain. Pranjal read the riddle in his mind as if it was some kind of puzzle to open a treasure and said he would come to the conclusion by next day. Meanwhile, Mohun did not mention anything about the prophecy to his son, being a man of the modern world (of the AC DC generation) he knew Ramanuj would have never agreed to get married under such considerations and would further drop the proposal of getting institutionalised.
The following day Pranjal Buragohain solved the riddle in his CID way with his own logic. He demonstrated his ‘partner in Naam’ that the Deu wanted Ramanuj to marry a rich girl who is a Civil Engineer. Pranjal could see his partner was not convinced so he continued with more reason. A Civil Engineering girl means who has the power to construct just like Biswakarma and she being rich means she has Goddess Laskhmi Sparkha. If everything felt at its place Ramanuj could be destined to be the next President of India he further added. Mohun give the impression of the concept a big Facebook Like since he got the lead to search a girl who is a rich Civil Engineer. He was happy about the idea of being the father of a president and wondered what they would call a president’s father.
The main problem was girls during that time preferred home science and fine arts over Engineering; Civil Branch was out of concern. Still the old man tried whatever he could to find the needle in the haystack. He first wrote letters to GU, AEC and JEC to enquire about girls who took Civil Engineering and are still unmarried or widowed. He rejected the idea of including divorced girls as it would have violated the prophesy. Unfortunately for Mohun there were no private colleges to look for and there were no TCS Offices back then in the State. After months of unofficial research and enquiry he finally got the list of unmarried engineering girls and to his horror none in Civil branch. Meanwhile Mohun’s sister brought a nice proposal, a girl teaching in TC School(a Government school). Everyone in the family was excited about it except for Mohun. Finally the meeting arrangements proceeded and Ramanuj gave the green signal. He finally succumbed to women manipulation it seems. The wedding was held within a month and soon a woman entered their home and their lives since the death of Ramanuj’s mother. Mohun never mentioned the Presage to anyone again and he started living with the fact that Ramanuj was not destined to be the President and mostly he could never be the father of a President.
After 1 year……
Meera and Ramanuj are expecting their first born. They have renovated the house and constructed an additional floor. Ramanuj got his long pending promotion and a further bonus from the department. Mohun too was very happy and then it struck him like Thunder. Their new home, Ramanuj’s high salary and promotion, all big things have happened following the marriage which were far better than Ramanuj being the President. He realised that everything the Deu predicted has fallen into pieces. He finally could see the way it was actually meant.

That later year Ramanuj became the President of the Nayantara Club.

6 Women Who Got Friend Zoned…(Fictional)

Well, one of my Blog was about 6 Men Who Got Friend Zoned (Link – https://nibirdeka.wordpress.com/2014/06/15/6-men-who-got-friend-zoned-fictional). Now why should ‘Girls have all the fun’? The revenge is sweet and karma pays you back. 

1. Black Widow and Captain America

The ‘Marvel-istic’ superhero seems to be the pioneer of Friend Zoning one of the hottest being in the world, Black Widow. The redemption of Manhood towards female monopoly of Friend Zoning innocent males. Thank You Captain America, more than an accidental Superhero.

Image

2. Hermione and Harry

The Boy who lived Friend Zoned Hermione, by the most famous way of doing it. The BFF way. It all started when he preferred the Chinese girl over her. Well, to Harry the grass is always greener on the other side or maybe her pre-puberty looks still haunts him.

Image

 

3. Velma and Shaggy

Shaggy, who looked like a Weed addict dated Velma for a short spam leading to many complications between Scooby Doo. In the end it turned all sour and he decided to remain ‘Just Friends’ (if that word existed), all for his buddy Scooby.  Shaggy made the right call it seems, as for Velma, “Jinkies”.

Image

 

4. Bellatrix and Voldemort

There is no way Voldemort, a power obsessed narcissistic soul would ever waste time seducing a woman. However, Bellatrix did saw something in whatever the Tom Riddle left in him. Had there been more, we would have to witnessed something  really gross. Good choice, Tom.

Image

 

5. Elizabeth and Bhuvan

Poor Elizabeth had to be a Greg Chappel for Bhuvan, who later preferred the Desi over Firangi. How love can make someone a Vibhisan(for the British Raj) and can end you up in getting Friend Zoned. Communication gap may have played a big role as Elizabeth was really ‘Gauri’(beautiful). Elizabeth, we feel you.

Image

6. Anjali and Rahul

Well this story provides some necessary comfort to all those who have been friend zoned. You can still end up getting married. Although, you have to do a makeover and be more feminine.

Note:- A bit of treading and upper lip helped in this case.

Image

 

(c)nibirdeka

6 Songs For Different Love Situations (.gif)

 

 

 

 1. CRUSH 

The perfect song for a new crush is David Archuleta’s ‘Crush’. When you reach the confused state of ‘Friendship or something more, Love or something less’, this one perfectly fits the bill. To delve more into your subject (crush) try listening closely to the lyrics. “Am I crazy or falling in Love, Is it really just another Crush”. Get into the illusion, say what?

Image

 

2. FRESH LOVE

When you have crossed the Crush stage and have reached a more concrete stage of relationship, the song that can be perfectly related to is, ‘More Than Words’ – Extreme. The tune just flows with the feeling of the new Love in your life. The best part about the song is the slow tempo. If you have your Dancing Shoes on, take her out and just dance because “More than words is all you have to do to make it real”.

Image

 

3. DISTANCE LOVE

The most complex form of Love is the ‘Long Distance Love’. You may sometimes feel low or at time feel the urge to commit Infidelity. But hold on to that thought because Music is the solution. There is a huge list of Distant-Bound love songs; and among the many songs the apt pick is “Hey There Delilah- Plain White Ts”. “A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they have got trains, planes and cars. I will walk to you if I had no other way” and your motivation is back. Be in Love while you still can.

Image

4. BREAK UP

There are many stages of a Break-up which includes shock, denial, anger, depression, regrets and acceptance. For every stage, we have great songs to accompany.

(i) Anger – For Light we need darkness and for love we need hatred. Not all love stories are successful; some just go down the drain with bitterness included. To keep you in the moment of hateful anger you require music. It follows:

“She fucking hates me

la la la love

I tried too hard

and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away”.  

Music be thy muse and thy means to counter enemy.

Image

(ii) Regrets

There is enough time for Regrets but not much time to act(inspired from Pink FLoyd). But, regrets are a part of every love story starting from the ‘One That Got Away’ to the ‘One that got pregnant’. Yes, you guessed it right. The perfect song for the theme is Katy Perry’s classic “The One That Got Away”. 

Image

 

5. SEX

Biologically – It is the combining and mixing of genetic traits; spiritually – it is fusion of the male and the female soul. These, definitions are too overrated and bookish. Sex is awesome and Akon is spot on, in this epic song. Need prove? Here’s the fun part. “I just had sex. And it felt so good. Having sex can make a nice man out of the meanest”.

Image

(.Gif, Not supported on Opera Browser)

Image source: Google.
Thank you Saswati for the sketch.
©nibirdeka

6 Men Who Got Friend Zoned.. (Fictional)

1. Snape and Lily Potter

This is the most tragic (love?) story ever witnessed, but at the end of the day he was Friend Zoned by Lily Potter. Real tragedy is dying for someone who Friend Zoned you. More painful than the ‘Sectumsempra’. Snape, we feel you.

 

 

 

Image

2. Wolverine and Jean Grey

Wolverine is one of the few Superheroes who got Friend Zoned (by fellow X-Mate Jean Grey).  At any day he could have easily scored a girl but Jean Grey seems to be the only thing that pierces his ego.The great Adamantium is not effective when it comes to immunity from getting FZ’D it seems.

Image

3. Batman and Rachel

If Marvel has Wolverine, DC has The Batman. The Batman proves that no matter how BIG you do in your life, once Friend Zoned then its eternal. The only consolation was the Cat Women. Thus, for every Rachel rejected there is always a Cat Women.

Image

4. Peeta and Katniss

Peeta Malark is the Charles Babbage (Father) of the ‘Art of Friend Zoning’. Oh Poor Peeta Malark. The World’s only Friend Zoned husband cum lover. Taking the idea of FZ’ing to a next level. Need to say anything more?  That’s our kind of story.

Image

5. Sunil and Ana

This is one of the few ‘Desi’ Stories dealing with the ‘Platonic’ issue of Friend-Zoning. What could be morose than being the best man at the wedding of the girl who Friend Zoned you. Our guy Sunil did the impossible and ended up finding a Juhi Chawla. Thus, there is always a silver lining.

Image

6. Kundan and Zoya

Death is uncertain and when rooted from Friend Zoning it is most unfortunate. The unique thing about the story is the Friend Zoned guy being massacred by the love interest.  There should be a ‘Friend Zoned Rights Association’ to protect poor souls like Kundan. Why this Dhokadari?

Image

 

 

©nibirdeka